Wake Me Up When September Ends

To say that the last month has been difficult is quite the understatement.

I feel ridiculous saying that I get stressed out about things when other people in my life has so much more on their plate. In a way, it makes me feel like I have no right turning to people close to me and saying that I need help.

But you know what makes that a whole lot easier? Liquor. Apparently, if you get a few (or 7) drinks in me, and crack jokes with me that would normally make me laugh and give you a witty retort, I will burst into tears and tell my husband I’m not good enough for him. True (and horribly embarrassing) story.

After my outburst, and Robert’s drunken stroking of my hair until I fell asleep sniffling, I woke up feeling like a weight had been lifted. I had finally told him everything that was on my mind. I told him how I felt like I was failing, how I felt like I wasn’t the woman I knew I could be, and how much I wanted to just feel like I was good enough. He had no idea that this was how I was feeling, and has been so amazingly supportive.

I’m not saying that he’s tip-toeing around me now, but he’s definitely been more aware that while I can take a joke like the best of them, I sometimes need to be babied. It’s just the way it is.

I have been feeling like I have been kind of failing at a lot of aspects of my life. I’ve been eating more crap (see the last post), I haven’t been taking care of myself, my house is a mess, my business tends to cost more than I make, I feel like a bad sister and daughter, and overall just crap. I need to remind myself that I can’t just ignore these feelings. I need to figure out why I’m feeling that way and figure out how to make it better. I’m an expert at running from my problems, and I’m at an age where that just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Onto lighter things, I went to the Blink182 concert this weekend and IT WAS AMAZING! Being married to your best friends certainly has it’s advantages at times like this. We sang, we danced our asses off, we laughed and he stopped at a gas station so I could get a Clif bar and water for my sore throat (also, we needed gas. But I’m going to pretend the stop was for the Clif Bar.)

I’m leaving for Vegas on Saturday, and I turn 25 the following Friday. There are a lot of expectations that I had for myself for my 25th year, and I’m sure someday over the next two weeks I’ll write them down. Mostly though, I want to spend my 25th year really figuring out who I am. Some days, I feel like I have the most confidence in the world, and know exactly where I’m headed. Other days, I feel like I’m treading water just to keep my head up and breathe. I think that’s just how it’s supposed to be, though.

As the saying goes, “smooth seas do not make good sailors”. I’m pretty sure I’m about to be the best effing sailor in the universe.

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The Kids Meal that cured the hangover from hell

I’m going to just throw it out there: the 3 miles a day plan was a bust. I hated the idea of not having rest days. At the same time, I work from home, and spend 90% of my day sitting in my office, aside from running errands and going to the gym, I’m effectively “resting”, which basically makes me feel like my metabolism is at an all time slow. Does stressing out about minute things burn calories?

I want to train for a half marathon, but I can’t pay for a half marathon. I don’t do well training for things that aren’t actually happening, so I’ve been kind of avoiding running and just working on my strength workouts and doing a lot of cross training. I’ve been jogging a lot of hills on the treadmill, which usually ends up being 3-5 miles, which would be the longest I’ve ran since May. Summer in Florida is a bitch, and I loathe running in the heat and humidity. Kind of like Madonna and hydrangeas.

My relationship with food has been getting a lot better. I’m still focusing on healthier choices (making sure I get plenty of veggies in instead of just fruit, trying to stay away from HFCS and artificial sweeteners, and staying on track with snacks, etc. But this weekend, I had a moment of weakness (read: hangover) and wanted a kids meal from Burger King like nothing I’ve ever wanted before. It’s been at least 2 years since I’ve eaten a fast food hamburger, but it was all I could think about. My stomach was in knots, my head was pounding, and I’m pretty sure it was my lifeline. So on the way home from the grocery store, after stocking up on kale, peaches, granola and cottage cheese, I bought a freaking hamburger and it was just as awesome as I thought it would be. The best part was, the guilt wasn’t there. I thought I would roll up the wrapper and wipe the salt and grease from my fingers and immediately hate myself for putting something so awful into my body, but I didn’t. I had a craving, I got a kids size hamburger, and I enjoyed it. I ate healthy foods the rest of the day (and also paid for the not-so-healthy choices with some nausea) and moved on with my day. This is something the Jennie of 6 months ago wouldn’t even be able to conceive.

So there’s that. One step at a time.

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New Month New Goals

I’ve always loved the idea of fresh starts. First days of the month, first days of the year, first day of school, etc. I even love Mondays, because I feel like I can start a new goal and wake up ready to take it on!

It’s now the first of September. This summer flew by faster than I could have imagined. I played at the beach, I went to my family reunion, I rode rollercoasters and I read. I also worked my tail off to get my business off the ground (shameless plug: if you know anyone in need of wedding stationery or business cards, send them here!)

With a new month beginning and a bouquet of sharpened pencils (<–You've Got Mail, anyone?) I'd like to make a list of goals for this month. I feel like other aspects of my life are finally getting under control, it's time to tackle some new obstacles.

1. Run 3 days a week. It's good exercise, it's good for my body, and it's finally getting cool enough to enjoy it outside again. They don't have to be long runs, just run.

2. Eat less packaged food. I've been doing better on making a lot of my own meals, but I still eat a lot of frozen veggie burgers, bars, etc. I'd like to take a stab at making my own Larabars and veggie patties. I really want to expand my cooking and try new things.

3. Eat more veggies. I used to have a salad with at least one meal a day. I got sick of spinach and haven't been eating salads with lunch anymore, but I bought a giant bag of kale and have been trying some recipes with it. So far I've steamed it, mixed it in my pasta and made a massaged kale salad. I also bought a giant bag of carrots that I prepped, and are an easy, ready to eat crunchy snack.

4. Connect with my family. I've been known to be anti-telephone, and it's starting to cause a strain on my relationships with those that are far away. Even just a text message a day with my mom would make me happy.

5. Watch less tv, read more books. Lately, the husband and I have been turning off the tv in the evenings and reading on the couch together. It's been really nice, and we even cancelled HBO! (Woo, saving money!)

So bring it on September. I hope you're the best September yet.

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Massaging my Kale

Something about that title just sounds dirty, which makes me giggle, which makes the salad I made earlier today even better.

I need a new camera, because this is one meal that is not barf-bowl status, but it was actually quite beautiful.

In the mix:
a shit ton of kale (3 cups?)
a tablespoon of lemon juice
1/2 an avocado, cubed
6 cucumber slices
1/4 cup of diced red peppers
1.5 T raspberry vinaigrette

How I did it:
Pour the lemon juice and avocado pieces onto the kale. With clean hands, gently massage the juices into the kale so that the leaves are covered completely. Add the rest of the ingredients and toss gently. Let marinate in the fridge for at least 30 minutes. The lemon juice will keep the avocado from getting brown, so it can marinade for several hours.

The stats are pretty stellar as well. It came out to around 80 calories for a 1 cup serving and is loaded with fiber and healthy fats.

Monday’s workout left me limping AGAIN which I love. I did a mix up of cardio and strength training that looked something like this:

(yes, I have gym ADD)
10 minutes intervals on the elliptical
leg press, tricep dips, deadlifts, bench step-ups
10 minutes stairclimber (<–will be the death of me, but my butt is looking fantastic)
squats, tricep pushups, sit-ups, bicycle crunches, calve raises holding weights
10 minutes walking hills on treadmill at 3.8 speed

Tuesday:
30 minutes elliptical intervals (revved up the resistance to 12 this time, burning thighs ensued)
20 minutes jogging hills on treadmill at 5.0 speed

TODAY:
hasn't happened yet but I am planning on running 8 400m intervals at 5k pace (around 8 min. mile) with warm up and cool down
chest press, overhead shoulder press
chest fly, upright row with bar
lateral raise, incline chest press machine

Tomorrow is technically my Friday because Robert said we both need to take this 4 day weekend and waste it away on liquor, beach time and reading. I agreed wholeheartedly.

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Tuesday Rants

I have so many rants and thoughts in my head that I feel I can’t share on facebook because I know how much people love getting offended. I’ve compiled a short list of what is currently pissing me off.

The VMA’s. Okay, music in general.
I was pretty thoroughly embarrassed for my generation when I saw the VMA’s. This shit is going to be hard to explain later. “She dressed like a dude! She was so ABOVE EVERYTHING. You should have seen her in the egg, it made such a statement.” “Her hat is cube because she’s eccentric!” He’s jumping around with his ass out of his pants because…well…no one really knows but he’s a good rapper!”

Feeling like using the elliptical instead of running makes it a “light cardio” day.
Um, I don’t know about you, but I sweat my ass of on the elliptical. My legs are sore, my chest is hurting in a delicious DOMS sort of way and I feel like I get a good workout. Is it as good as running? Maybe not, in terms of caloric burning. But my knees thank me.

Guilt trips.
I’m not going to go too far into this one right now, but seriously, if you haven’t heard from me in a while, maybe ask how everything is going or if I’m okay. Don’t send me an email telling me everything that is going on your life and that I’m not making enough time for you. If you asked, you’d know why.

Gawkers at the gym.
Why yes, 50 year old man, these pants are stretchy and barely fit across my ass putting it on full display, but it’s laundry day and all my shorts are dirty. So keep your creepy oogily eyes to yourself and let me finish my deadlifts without feeling like I’m sending out a mating signal.

Getting into a really good book and then not having any time to read it.
I’m on the 3rd book in the Game of Thrones series, A Storm of Swords. It’s awesome, but not one of those books that I can read a few lines of while dinner’s cooking or I’m taking a break. I need to be INTO IT. I read a ton this weekend in my quest to do nothing (success!) and I’m at the heart of the book. I tried to read a chapter last night before bed and couldn’t keep things straight with everything going on in the house. This isn’t a real problem, but it’s pretty freaking irritating.

My significant other running 20 miles while I sit on my ass.
His determination and skill is sexy though. But the fact that I feel like a big old P.O.S. in the fitness department is not.

Not feeling hip enough to shop at my local co-op.
The white kid behind the counter with the dreadlocks did not seem to appreciate my Coach purse in the slightest. I asked for a bag for my one item because I didn’t have any reusables in the car and he looked at me like I snapped the neck of a kitten right there on the counter.

There’s more, but I have work to do. That’s not a rant though, I’m actually really enjoying it right now. :D

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Give me a break

Considering I can’t remember the last time I had a Kit Kat bar, I don’t really know why the jingle came to mind, but I’m rolling with it.

This week has been long, stressful, tearful and full of those big “I’m 24 years old, what am I doing with my life” moments. I don’t have those often because it’s ridiculous. I have years of life ahead of me to figure this shit out, but this is what happens in my mind.

I overthink EVERYTHING. I wake up in a panic over the fact that I think I might have overdrafted my account and can’t go back to sleep until I get up and check every single bank online to make sure I didn’t. Yeah, I don’t very well.

That’s a pretty small example compared to the ailments that have thrown me out of bed lately. I wish I had thoughts that could easily be remedied by a quick trip to the computer for assurance. But when you wake up thinking larger, life-altering questions, there isn’t much to do but lay awake staring at the ceiling and willing yourself to believe that you aren’t making a complete mess of things.

I’ve only worked out twice this week, and today doesn’t look like it’s going to happen either. I think I’ve been pushing my body in so many directions that it just needed a break. I woke up feeling less than stellar yesterday morning (body aches, headache, sore throat and just overall I-want-to-sleep-all-day-ness) and didn’t do much but nap, read and eat. Luckily, Robert wanted to take the day off of life too and read with me. We didn’t turn the TV on once. We just sat with each other, reading and occasionally getting up to play with the dogs. It was pretty glorious, and I would love to do the same today.

I plan to go back to my regular life tomorrow. But for now, I’m going to continue my little break from life, read my book and maybe go get a Kit Kat.

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Lately

So, a few big things have happened in the last few weeks! My design business, Jenn Lane Design LLC is officially open for business! If you or someone you know is planning a wedding, please send them my way!

Secondly, I am doing my first Bridal Trade Show this weekend! I am so so excited and can’t wait to meet brides face to face and share all of my products. I have been super busy preparing, and I am so excited and nervous for this.

Thirdly, my workouts suck. Shocker, I know. I just feel so tired and lethargic all the time lately. The past few week I’ve had a hard time getting myself to not pass out an hour after breakfast. Even with green tea and coffee I feel like I could fall asleep at any moment. I made it to the gym yesterday, but only did 30 minutes of cardio and had a really hard time pushing myself through it. I wanted to do intervals but my body just literally felt exhausted. I haven’t been running very much at all. The last “long run” I did was 6 miles, and that was weeks ago. I wish I just knew what was going on and how to fix it.

For the last month or so I’ve also been dealing with an onset of chronic headaches. I seem to get one every day, with different severity. Some days it’s a migraine, and all I can do is lay in a dark room with an ice pack and try to sleep it off. Other days it’s just a nagging pain above my eyes that doesn’t seem to go away, no matter how much Excedrin I take. I’ve been trying to stay on top of drinking plenty of water, but I know my veggie intake has been way down, and I’m taking in enough good, whole foods.

In between work errands this morning I’ve been looking up some workouts to try and get my mojo back. I found a great workout from Naomi from One Fit Foodie on a 30 minute circuit that might help me push through this lethargic wall. I would just add in some extra running at the end to get in my 3 miles for the day!

So that’s where my life is lately. In one area (work) I am happy as can be and proud of how far I’ve gotten, and in another area (gym) I feel like I need to really step it up.

One day, I’ll figure out how to have both. :)

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