Relationships are hard. Relationships with boys are something I’ve completely given up on understanding. Just say you’re sorry. Say he’s right. Know you’re right. Know he knows you’re right. Move on.
But my toughest relationship to conquer lately has been with food. I am a self-proclaimed calorie counter. I try not to do it. I wake up in the morning, and I tell myself “I’m not going to worry about calories today, just eating good, wholesome food when I’m hungry.” However, 5 minutes into my breakfast I’m calculating in my head.
Intuitive eating is not my forte. I know when I’m hungry, but I have trouble figuring out cravings vs. real hunger. The “drink a glass of water” trick never works. Then I’m just hungry and bloated. One of the hardest parts of all this is living with someone who has completely different eating habits than I do. It seems that I have one of those rare creatures for a husband that can eat anything he wants any day he wants and not gain weight. He eats candy, he drinks soda. He has multiple dinners some nights. And yet he still has the metabolism of a beast.
This weekend was a pretty big test to my relationship with food. I had family in town (hi Carrie!) and we ate out A LOT. Like twice a day. And one of those times was almost always at a theme park. I made bad food decisions, but I think I maintained some control. I still had that nagging in the back of my head that I could have done better. I could have chosen sandwiches instead of pizza. I didn’t need to eat all my candy from Honeyduke’s at once. I should have just gotten the soft serve in a bowl without the cone. I should have gotten the salad at that restaurant instead of the wrap. I should have gotten fruit instead of delicious sweet potato fries.
And then I remember that I had looked forward to those fries for a long time. And how good they tasted. And how I stopped eating them when I was full and listened to my body. And the laughter and great conversation I had with my husband and aunt while I ate. And then I feel better.
Disordered eating (please note, I am not claiming to have an eating disorder or know anything about eating disorders) is something that I have researched, and can relate too. Sometimes it scares me to see the parallels between me and the blogs I read that claim disordered eating. I don’t binge and purge, I don’t starve myself, and I don’t exercise every calorie I eat. But sometimes I feel like I am excessively AWARE of every calorie I eat. And that’s what I want to work on.
This is another reason why I’ve been trying to add more protein to my diet. I think a lot of my hunger signals are due to a lack of protein, and proper nutrients. I’ve been tracking my food on sparkpeople for a couple of weeks now, trying to gauge how much of everything I eat. For the most part, I’m within the 1400-1700 calorie range, I always eat the full amount of carbs and fats, but never “use up” all my allotted protein.
I also sort of feel like I’ve broken up with running. I have gone on exactly one run since the Disney Half marathon, and haven’t had the desire to go again since. I have been doing a lot of cross training, and weight lifting. I think this week I will throw in a couple of runs into my workout to try to get back in the swing of things. Robert is full steam ahead with running, but I just can’t seem to want to do it now that I don’t have to.
I think I just need to sign up for another race, or have a goal to attain. Robert wants to run a 5K this weekend, so that will motivate me to get some training runs in this week to get ready. I’d love to start signing up for some shorter races and work on my speed for the half in April (which I haven’t talked about yet because I haven’t PICKED ONE yet. There are too many good ones. It will be announced soon).
I apologize if this post is too personal, or triggers any negative feelings. It’s just something I wanted to write down, and what better place than your own happy little blog. 🙂