Wake Me Up When September Ends

To say that the last month has been difficult is quite the understatement.

I feel ridiculous saying that I get stressed out about things when other people in my life has so much more on their plate. In a way, it makes me feel like I have no right turning to people close to me and saying that I need help.

But you know what makes that a whole lot easier? Liquor. Apparently, if you get a few (or 7) drinks in me, and crack jokes with me that would normally make me laugh and give you a witty retort, I will burst into tears and tell my husband I’m not good enough for him. True (and horribly embarrassing) story.

After my outburst, and Robert’s drunken stroking of my hair until I fell asleep sniffling, I woke up feeling like a weight had been lifted. I had finally told him everything that was on my mind. I told him how I felt like I was failing, how I felt like I wasn’t the woman I knew I could be, and how much I wanted to just feel like I was good enough. He had no idea that this was how I was feeling, and has been so amazingly supportive.

I’m not saying that he’s tip-toeing around me now, but he’s definitely been more aware that while I can take a joke like the best of them, I sometimes need to be babied. It’s just the way it is.

I have been feeling like I have been kind of failing at a lot of aspects of my life. I’ve been eating more crap (see the last post), I haven’t been taking care of myself, my house is a mess, my business tends to cost more than I make, I feel like a bad sister and daughter, and overall just crap. I need to remind myself that I can’t just ignore these feelings. I need to figure out why I’m feeling that way and figure out how to make it better. I’m an expert at running from my problems, and I’m at an age where that just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Onto lighter things, I went to the Blink182 concert this weekend and IT WAS AMAZING! Being married to your best friends certainly has it’s advantages at times like this. We sang, we danced our asses off, we laughed and he stopped at a gas station so I could get a Clif bar and water for my sore throat (also, we needed gas. But I’m going to pretend the stop was for the Clif Bar.)

I’m leaving for Vegas on Saturday, and I turn 25 the following Friday. There are a lot of expectations that I had for myself for my 25th year, and I’m sure someday over the next two weeks I’ll write them down. Mostly though, I want to spend my 25th year really figuring out who I am. Some days, I feel like I have the most confidence in the world, and know exactly where I’m headed. Other days, I feel like I’m treading water just to keep my head up and breathe. I think that’s just how it’s supposed to be, though.

As the saying goes, “smooth seas do not make good sailors”. I’m pretty sure I’m about to be the best effing sailor in the universe.

1 Comment

Filed under about me, life

One response to “Wake Me Up When September Ends

  1. Nikki Boether

    Beautifully written. It’s funny, because I get drunk and it’s that one drink too many that sends me into my emotionally drunk driven tell All. I’ve done the same with my boyfriend so your experience definitely isn’t a first. And I certainly feel you on the mess situation. My life is so chaotic right now, and that chaos definitely spills over and affects my work, house, car and so on. Hang tight lady, it does get better I promise!

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