Category Archives: life

Wake Me Up When September Ends

To say that the last month has been difficult is quite the understatement.

I feel ridiculous saying that I get stressed out about things when other people in my life has so much more on their plate. In a way, it makes me feel like I have no right turning to people close to me and saying that I need help.

But you know what makes that a whole lot easier? Liquor. Apparently, if you get a few (or 7) drinks in me, and crack jokes with me that would normally make me laugh and give you a witty retort, I will burst into tears and tell my husband I’m not good enough for him. True (and horribly embarrassing) story.

After my outburst, and Robert’s drunken stroking of my hair until I fell asleep sniffling, I woke up feeling like a weight had been lifted. I had finally told him everything that was on my mind. I told him how I felt like I was failing, how I felt like I wasn’t the woman I knew I could be, and how much I wanted to just feel like I was good enough. He had no idea that this was how I was feeling, and has been so amazingly supportive.

I’m not saying that he’s tip-toeing around me now, but he’s definitely been more aware that while I can take a joke like the best of them, I sometimes need to be babied. It’s just the way it is.

I have been feeling like I have been kind of failing at a lot of aspects of my life. I’ve been eating more crap (see the last post), I haven’t been taking care of myself, my house is a mess, my business tends to cost more than I make, I feel like a bad sister and daughter, and overall just crap. I need to remind myself that I can’t just ignore these feelings. I need to figure out why I’m feeling that way and figure out how to make it better. I’m an expert at running from my problems, and I’m at an age where that just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Onto lighter things, I went to the Blink182 concert this weekend and IT WAS AMAZING! Being married to your best friends certainly has it’s advantages at times like this. We sang, we danced our asses off, we laughed and he stopped at a gas station so I could get a Clif bar and water for my sore throat (also, we needed gas. But I’m going to pretend the stop was for the Clif Bar.)

I’m leaving for Vegas on Saturday, and I turn 25 the following Friday. There are a lot of expectations that I had for myself for my 25th year, and I’m sure someday over the next two weeks I’ll write them down. Mostly though, I want to spend my 25th year really figuring out who I am. Some days, I feel like I have the most confidence in the world, and know exactly where I’m headed. Other days, I feel like I’m treading water just to keep my head up and breathe. I think that’s just how it’s supposed to be, though.

As the saying goes, “smooth seas do not make good sailors”. I’m pretty sure I’m about to be the best effing sailor in the universe.

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New Month New Goals

I’ve always loved the idea of fresh starts. First days of the month, first days of the year, first day of school, etc. I even love Mondays, because I feel like I can start a new goal and wake up ready to take it on!

It’s now the first of September. This summer flew by faster than I could have imagined. I played at the beach, I went to my family reunion, I rode rollercoasters and I read. I also worked my tail off to get my business off the ground (shameless plug: if you know anyone in need of wedding stationery or business cards, send them here!)

With a new month beginning and a bouquet of sharpened pencils (<–You've Got Mail, anyone?) I'd like to make a list of goals for this month. I feel like other aspects of my life are finally getting under control, it's time to tackle some new obstacles.

1. Run 3 days a week. It's good exercise, it's good for my body, and it's finally getting cool enough to enjoy it outside again. They don't have to be long runs, just run.

2. Eat less packaged food. I've been doing better on making a lot of my own meals, but I still eat a lot of frozen veggie burgers, bars, etc. I'd like to take a stab at making my own Larabars and veggie patties. I really want to expand my cooking and try new things.

3. Eat more veggies. I used to have a salad with at least one meal a day. I got sick of spinach and haven't been eating salads with lunch anymore, but I bought a giant bag of kale and have been trying some recipes with it. So far I've steamed it, mixed it in my pasta and made a massaged kale salad. I also bought a giant bag of carrots that I prepped, and are an easy, ready to eat crunchy snack.

4. Connect with my family. I've been known to be anti-telephone, and it's starting to cause a strain on my relationships with those that are far away. Even just a text message a day with my mom would make me happy.

5. Watch less tv, read more books. Lately, the husband and I have been turning off the tv in the evenings and reading on the couch together. It's been really nice, and we even cancelled HBO! (Woo, saving money!)

So bring it on September. I hope you're the best September yet.

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Tuesday Rants

I have so many rants and thoughts in my head that I feel I can’t share on facebook because I know how much people love getting offended. I’ve compiled a short list of what is currently pissing me off.

The VMA’s. Okay, music in general.
I was pretty thoroughly embarrassed for my generation when I saw the VMA’s. This shit is going to be hard to explain later. “She dressed like a dude! She was so ABOVE EVERYTHING. You should have seen her in the egg, it made such a statement.” “Her hat is cube because she’s eccentric!” He’s jumping around with his ass out of his pants because…well…no one really knows but he’s a good rapper!”

Feeling like using the elliptical instead of running makes it a “light cardio” day.
Um, I don’t know about you, but I sweat my ass of on the elliptical. My legs are sore, my chest is hurting in a delicious DOMS sort of way and I feel like I get a good workout. Is it as good as running? Maybe not, in terms of caloric burning. But my knees thank me.

Guilt trips.
I’m not going to go too far into this one right now, but seriously, if you haven’t heard from me in a while, maybe ask how everything is going or if I’m okay. Don’t send me an email telling me everything that is going on your life and that I’m not making enough time for you. If you asked, you’d know why.

Gawkers at the gym.
Why yes, 50 year old man, these pants are stretchy and barely fit across my ass putting it on full display, but it’s laundry day and all my shorts are dirty. So keep your creepy oogily eyes to yourself and let me finish my deadlifts without feeling like I’m sending out a mating signal.

Getting into a really good book and then not having any time to read it.
I’m on the 3rd book in the Game of Thrones series, A Storm of Swords. It’s awesome, but not one of those books that I can read a few lines of while dinner’s cooking or I’m taking a break. I need to be INTO IT. I read a ton this weekend in my quest to do nothing (success!) and I’m at the heart of the book. I tried to read a chapter last night before bed and couldn’t keep things straight with everything going on in the house. This isn’t a real problem, but it’s pretty freaking irritating.

My significant other running 20 miles while I sit on my ass.
His determination and skill is sexy though. But the fact that I feel like a big old P.O.S. in the fitness department is not.

Not feeling hip enough to shop at my local co-op.
The white kid behind the counter with the dreadlocks did not seem to appreciate my Coach purse in the slightest. I asked for a bag for my one item because I didn’t have any reusables in the car and he looked at me like I snapped the neck of a kitten right there on the counter.

There’s more, but I have work to do. That’s not a rant though, I’m actually really enjoying it right now. 😀

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Give me a break

Considering I can’t remember the last time I had a Kit Kat bar, I don’t really know why the jingle came to mind, but I’m rolling with it.

This week has been long, stressful, tearful and full of those big “I’m 24 years old, what am I doing with my life” moments. I don’t have those often because it’s ridiculous. I have years of life ahead of me to figure this shit out, but this is what happens in my mind.

I overthink EVERYTHING. I wake up in a panic over the fact that I think I might have overdrafted my account and can’t go back to sleep until I get up and check every single bank online to make sure I didn’t. Yeah, I don’t very well.

That’s a pretty small example compared to the ailments that have thrown me out of bed lately. I wish I had thoughts that could easily be remedied by a quick trip to the computer for assurance. But when you wake up thinking larger, life-altering questions, there isn’t much to do but lay awake staring at the ceiling and willing yourself to believe that you aren’t making a complete mess of things.

I’ve only worked out twice this week, and today doesn’t look like it’s going to happen either. I think I’ve been pushing my body in so many directions that it just needed a break. I woke up feeling less than stellar yesterday morning (body aches, headache, sore throat and just overall I-want-to-sleep-all-day-ness) and didn’t do much but nap, read and eat. Luckily, Robert wanted to take the day off of life too and read with me. We didn’t turn the TV on once. We just sat with each other, reading and occasionally getting up to play with the dogs. It was pretty glorious, and I would love to do the same today.

I plan to go back to my regular life tomorrow. But for now, I’m going to continue my little break from life, read my book and maybe go get a Kit Kat.

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So, a few big things have happened in the last few weeks! My design business, Jenn Lane Design LLC is officially open for business! If you or someone you know is planning a wedding, please send them my way!

Secondly, I am doing my first Bridal Trade Show this weekend! I am so so excited and can’t wait to meet brides face to face and share all of my products. I have been super busy preparing, and I am so excited and nervous for this.

Thirdly, my workouts suck. Shocker, I know. I just feel so tired and lethargic all the time lately. The past few week I’ve had a hard time getting myself to not pass out an hour after breakfast. Even with green tea and coffee I feel like I could fall asleep at any moment. I made it to the gym yesterday, but only did 30 minutes of cardio and had a really hard time pushing myself through it. I wanted to do intervals but my body just literally felt exhausted. I haven’t been running very much at all. The last “long run” I did was 6 miles, and that was weeks ago. I wish I just knew what was going on and how to fix it.

For the last month or so I’ve also been dealing with an onset of chronic headaches. I seem to get one every day, with different severity. Some days it’s a migraine, and all I can do is lay in a dark room with an ice pack and try to sleep it off. Other days it’s just a nagging pain above my eyes that doesn’t seem to go away, no matter how much Excedrin I take. I’ve been trying to stay on top of drinking plenty of water, but I know my veggie intake has been way down, and I’m taking in enough good, whole foods.

In between work errands this morning I’ve been looking up some workouts to try and get my mojo back. I found a great workout from Naomi from One Fit Foodie on a 30 minute circuit that might help me push through this lethargic wall. I would just add in some extra running at the end to get in my 3 miles for the day!

So that’s where my life is lately. In one area (work) I am happy as can be and proud of how far I’ve gotten, and in another area (gym) I feel like I need to really step it up.

One day, I’ll figure out how to have both. 🙂


Filed under exercise, food, life, work

Resting on Empty

The phrase is supposed to be running on empty, but I haven’t gone for a run since Saturday. Since the husband and I decided not to make the trip to Pensacola for the race, we spent the weekend as hermits watching a million movies and baking cookies (him watching movies, me baking cookies).

And then, as luck would have it, he gave me his cold. I felt pretty bad Monday morning, but took a nap and woke up feeling a lot better. I hit the gym and did 30 minutes of cardio (mix of stationary bike and elliptical hills) and shoulder and back strength workouts. I’m about one click away from buying this book because I’ve heard really great things about it, and I want to focus on weight training.

Tuesday morning I woke up with a horrible sinus headache and achiness all over. The cold had officially arrived. I spent the day napping and waking up to play with the puppies, feed them, feed me (even though NOTHING sounded good) and then went to bed.

Today, luckily, I have no headache and no congestion, but I have a pretty upset stomach. I barely made it through my breakfast (pumpkin overnight oats with 1/3 cup oats, 1/3 cup silk soy milk light, 1/4 cup pumpkin, 1 tsp brown sugar, 1 tablespoon FiProFlax Medley and Smuckers natural PB added in the morning) and now I feel kind of barfy (sorry that’s gross).

I didn’t work out yesterday, and today isn’t looking good either. I have absolutely no energy and just want to sleep. I have a ton of work to do after taking the weekend off and really want to get this web site up and running by the end of the month! I am so excited to reveal it. I’ve put so much work into it and am so proud of where it is so far!

I think my body is asking for a rest day, and I’m going to listen. Sometimes I feel like it’s hard to take a rest day when I read so many healthy living and fitness blogs! I get so envious when everyone’s post starts with how great their morning workout was! But I really think the best way to get back to 100% and to let my body heal.

Alright, time to get some work done. Luckily, I can work from the couch today. 🙂

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4th Half Marathon Goals and an update

I’m back! Well sort of. My family visit was fantastic, and we had so much fun! I got some exciting news, and we got to enjoy some quality beach time together!

I took a break from blogging (not healthy living though, don’t worry) and focused on my work. I am in the process of switching hosting sites (adios godaddy), printing and assembling 100 wedding invitations, redesigning my web site and putting together a book to bring to trade shows of invitation samples. Basically, a whole bunch of work crammed into a few weeks. I’ve been trying to be really focused on this task, and I’m not going to lie, my “sacrifice” for Lent has been easier than ever to keep up with.

As far as training goes, things have been going really well. I did 12 miles this weekend, and have a week of regular training with a taper run on Sunday. We did this method for the Disney race, where we have a week of taper for our long runs the week before the race rather than running 12 and then have the race 7 days later. I have been focusing more on speed workouts (lots of 400m at 8 minute mile pace, tempo runs, etc.) but I don’t know if it is too little too late. I want to do another race this summer or next fall where I put a ton of emphasis on not missing any speedwork, and really pushing myself completely.

The race on April 10 has a few key goals:

The “if this doesn’t happen I better be dead or have a broken bone” goal: finish the race

The “if this happens I’ll be happy with myself and won’t bitch about it very much” goal: 2:10

The “if this happens, Jesus really does love me” goal: 2:00

Anywhere in between 2:10 and 2:00 would be deemed a success to me. I’m excited for the race, and hope that I can end my half marathon season with a bang. 🙂

Onto the next race, we have found a super fun 5K to run 2 weeks after the race. We both feel like this is the perfect way for us to not slack off on our running after the race or fall into a post race slump (which always seems to happen to me.) I want to focus a lot on speedwork for the 5K, but keep one long run a week (7-10 miles) so that I am always in “half marathon” shape.

On the food front, things have been going pretty well. I have lost about 3 pounds and feel like I’m at a comfortable race pace. I’ve gotten used to my calorie intake, and have logged literally everything into sparkpeople. No bite gets left behind, no matter how hard it is to figure out how to track it. I’ve been trying a few new recipes, but nothing major. Work has taken a lot out of me, and by the time dinner time comes around, a lot of my creativity flies out the window and I make turkey burgers.

Currently I am trying to buy tickets to see my all time favorite band Yellowcard in Orlando this Friday. I waited too long to buy tickets, and now they are sold out. I cried real tears. I’m trying to stay positive and am scouring craigslist and ebay for anything under $100 a ticket. I have to see them play. I HAVE TO.


Filed under food, half marathon, life, running, work

working for the weekend

This should actually be called “working through the weekend” because that’s what it looks like I’ll be doing. The day started off good, with possibly one of my best oat creations yet. I added protein powder instead of cocoa powder to give them a kick, and it was delicious. In the mix was:

1/3 cup oats
2/3 cup water
about 1/4 scoop chocolate whey protein powder
1 tsp light brown sugar
half a banana, sliced
1 Nature’s Valley Pecan crunch bar, crumbled
1 T natural creamy pb (NOT STIRRED IN)

I always stirred in my peanut butter, but I wanted to try it just on the side. Man oh man, it was amazing. I would just scoop a little bit with each bite of oatmeal, and it tasted amazing. The bananas got nice and warm in the hot oats and added a perfect amount of sweetness. This will definitely be repeated tomorrow.

Yesterday was one of my more productive work days since my staycation (photos to come as soon as my auntie sends them my way), with some logo work, a wedding invitation design and then my night class.

Going back to school after taking a semester off isn’t as hard as I thought. Going from a huge university to a small community college, however, is quite difficult. There are juniors in high school in my marketing class. JUNIORS. There are also several adults, which makes for quite a mix, and some interesting discussions.

So why am I taking marketing, you ask? Because owning a business is freaking confusing. I know the design side. I went to school for that. I have a fancy, expensive piece of paper for that. And while I plan on continuing that education as well (drawing classes are next on the list!) (I am really loving these side notes today, aren’t I?) I wanted to expand my business knowledge. So I am applying and taking courses to obtain a certificate in Entrepreneurship. Honestly they should have a course in just teaching you how to spell entrepreneurship. But I digress. I am starting with marketing, and am taking it one night a week at my local community college. To say that my class is diverse would be the understatement of the century, but the teacher is hilarious and the book is interesting enough to read on my free time. I love marketing, I feel like it correlates so much with design that I think it’s a smooth transition into this new business brain I’m developing. Yep, it’s a whole separate brain.

Robert has been my financial adviser during this business venture, because he’s basically brilliant and could probably speak solely in numbers if given the chance. He loves math. He’s a physicist. But even with our powers combined, we don’t know a thing about owning a business. I’m hoping that by obtaining this certificate, I’ll feel more comfortable making business decisions, and making Jenn Lane Design as successful as possible!

A headache has me pretty sidelined this afternoon, but I’ve gotten a couple things checked off my to-do list. I am hoping to attend a bridal show this weekend to scope out tabling possibilities at future shows, and pass my card around to fellow vendors. Weddings are the niche that I feel most comfortable in, and I want to really immerse myself in the business. I actually can’t wait! I’ve been working on wedding invitations for a friend’s upcoming nuptuals, and it has reminded me so much of planning and preparing for my own wedding. As stressful as it was, there are some days where I truly miss the planning process. It seems like so long ago, but it hasn’t even been a year! So much has happened in such a short time.

Once my headache goes away, I plan to go for a run with the husband and puppies and then lemon pepper tilapia with roasted brussel sprouts for dinner! I’ve been excited to combine these two for awhile, and since Robert has recently expressed his love of them, I think it will make for a great combo.

Happy almost Friday!

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Let’s Get Personal

Relationships are hard. Relationships with boys are something I’ve completely given up on understanding. Just say you’re sorry. Say he’s right. Know you’re right. Know he knows you’re right. Move on.

But my toughest relationship to conquer lately has been with food. I am a self-proclaimed calorie counter. I try not to do it. I wake up in the morning, and I tell myself “I’m not going to worry about calories today, just eating good, wholesome food when I’m hungry.” However, 5 minutes into my breakfast I’m calculating in my head.

Intuitive eating is not my forte. I know when I’m hungry, but I have trouble figuring out cravings vs. real hunger. The “drink a glass of water” trick never works. Then I’m just hungry and bloated. One of the hardest parts of all this is living with someone who has completely different eating habits than I do. It seems that I have one of those rare creatures for a husband that can eat anything he wants any day he wants and not gain weight. He eats candy, he drinks soda. He has multiple dinners some nights. And yet he still has the metabolism of a beast.

This weekend was a pretty big test to my relationship with food. I had family in town (hi Carrie!) and we ate out A LOT. Like twice a day. And one of those times was almost always at a theme park. I made bad food decisions, but I think I maintained some control. I still had that nagging in the back of my head that I could have done better. I could have chosen sandwiches instead of pizza. I didn’t need to eat all my candy from Honeyduke’s at once. I should have just gotten the soft serve in a bowl without the cone. I should have gotten the salad at that restaurant instead of the wrap. I should have gotten fruit instead of delicious sweet potato fries.

And then I remember that I had looked forward to those fries for a long time. And how good they tasted. And how I stopped eating them when I was full and listened to my body. And the laughter and great conversation I had with my husband and aunt while I ate. And then I feel better.

Disordered eating (please note, I am not claiming to have an eating disorder or know anything about eating disorders) is something that I have researched, and can relate too. Sometimes it scares me to see the parallels between me and the blogs I read that claim disordered eating. I don’t binge and purge, I don’t starve myself, and I don’t exercise every calorie I eat. But sometimes I feel like I am excessively AWARE of every calorie I eat. And that’s what I want to work on.

This is another reason why I’ve been trying to add more protein to my diet. I think a lot of my hunger signals are due to a lack of protein, and proper nutrients. I’ve been tracking my food on sparkpeople for a couple of weeks now, trying to gauge how much of everything I eat. For the most part, I’m within the 1400-1700 calorie range, I always eat the full amount of carbs and fats, but never “use up” all my allotted protein.

I also sort of feel like I’ve broken up with running. I have gone on exactly one run since the Disney Half marathon, and haven’t had the desire to go again since. I have been doing a lot of cross training, and weight lifting. I think this week I will throw in a couple of runs into my workout to try to get back in the swing of things. Robert is full steam ahead with running, but I just can’t seem to want to do it now that I don’t have to.

I think I just need to sign up for another race, or have a goal to attain. Robert wants to run a 5K this weekend, so that will motivate me to get some training runs in this week to get ready. I’d love to start signing up for some shorter races and work on my speed for the half in April (which I haven’t talked about yet because I haven’t PICKED ONE yet. There are too many good ones. It will be announced soon).

I apologize if this post is too personal, or triggers any negative feelings. It’s just something I wanted to write down, and what better place than your own happy little blog. 🙂


Filed under about me, food, life

Comfort Zones

Yesterday and today have been so busy, I barely had time to even consume a meal sitting down. Lunch was eaten while we had a person from Home Depot come out and survey our yard for the fence. It’s going to be a lot bigger than I thought! I ate the rest of my Kashi Roasted Vegetable thin crust pizza and a kidz clif bar. (chocolate chip, delish!)

I was basically a snacking monster and made a pb sandwich on an Arnold’s thin about an hour later. I have no will power, and was probably just thirsty, but it sounded good! Throughout the day I munched on grapes, too. We keep them out in the open in the fridge and it’s so easy to just grab a handful and go!

When Robert got home we hightailed it to the gym for a quick strength workout. I moved it to yesterday instead of Monday because my body was still so sore from the race. I must have really pushed it because my whole body hurt. Yesterday’s gym workout was a mishmash of fitnessista Intro to Iron Pumping and my own moves for chest, shoulders, triceps and a couple of ab workouts. Oh man my arms are screaming today. It had been far too long. 🙂

Dinner was a delicious pot of chili that had been cooking all day in the crock pot. It’s a recipe that is loosely based on one my sister gave me.

1 can tomato soup
1 lb extra lean ground beef
2 cans Bush’s chili beans
lots of chili powder
lots of cajun seasoning

I throw it all in the crockpot, adding more chili powder to taste as it cooks. I served it up on a whole wheat tostada made on the skillet.

This morning Robert had to get up for a workout with his work, and I took advantage of the early wake up call and hit the gym for some cross training on the elliptical. I did 30 boring minutes of intervals (I forgot my headphones AND my kindle) and then did lunges with 10 lb weights and squats with some ab work in between.

On the way to the gym yesterday, we ran into a friend from Robert’s work who invited me to join her Intramural 4 on 4 soccer team starting in February. My first reaction was “HA!” and then “thanks but no thanks”. I’ve never been good at sports. I played softball when I was a kid, but mostly played for fun and was pretty much awful. I don’t think I ever hit more than a double and that was probably out of pity from the other team. I tried out for softball in high school, but quit before the tryouts were even over because I was so afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone. I was afraid of looking stupid, getting made fun of, or not making it. In my mind, it was easier to quit than to try. It’s a huge regret of mine, and after declining the soccer team, I felt the same way. Why am I saying no? I was afraid. I didn’t want to look dumb in front of these women, who happen to all be officers in the military.

One of my resolutions for this year is to step out of my comfort zone, and do things that I wouldn’t normally do. And here I was, faced with an opportunity to do just that, and I gave in to my fear and said no. Right then and there I changed my mind. I may not know anything about soccer, or how to play, but what better time to learn than now. I saw our friend again this morning and told her I would do it. So now, I’m a soccer player.

I’m still afraid, and I’m still nervous. I have no idea how to play soccer, but I want to learn. I’m excited to be doing something not only with people I don’t know, but something that I have not faced since my freshman year of high school. It’s time to start facing these fears, and become a better person. Do I expect to suddenly become great at sports? Hell no. But I do expect to become a more outgoing and open person. And I can’t wait for that.

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